Lily was that girl with a secret side.
Lily’s nickname was “what a good girl”. Lily’s middle name was “gets good grades cleans the house takes care of baby sister makes parents proud”. Lily’s name apart from Lily was “all teens should be like her.”
Was.
Sometimes when people smile you should look into their eyes and see what they really feel. Lily read somewhere that you can almost always tell apart a fake smile from a real one by looking at people’s eyes. She never liked her daddy’s crinkle anymore after that.
Good Lily was a happy happy child. She ate every meal and studied hard and loved her sister very very much. She smiled and had good friends and never argued with her parents and didn’t even need a bed time, she was so good. High school was just a little adjustment and she adjusted.
Bad Lily was mean. She stuck her toothbrush down her throat and puked the shit her parents fed her every night when they went to bed. She skipped breakfast and smoked at lunch. She ate an apple sometimes. She didn’t like taking care of Amy. When she smiled, her eyes gleamed and when she studied; she drew bad things in the margins of her notebook that she hid with smiles when her parents checked. Her friends got her drugs and when her parents talked she cried in her mind.
Good Lily liked to brush her hair.
Bad Lily liked to cut the undersides of it when she was stoned.
Good Lily wrote reports about self- mutilation and underlined in red how bad they all were.
Bad Lily often went down the road ‘cuz crossing the street didn’t make enough blood come out.
Good Lily came home one day with a bad smile that she erased when mommy came from little Amy’s room. Good Lily ate the yummy (greasy, disgusting) slice of pizza (120 calories) her mommy made for her and went upstairs to do her chemistry (does lsd go well with cold beer?)
Bad Lily came home with a sketchpad and a slab of charcoal and sat down at the kitchen table and drew and drew and drew and felt happy until daddy came home and ripped up the paper and told her that art was the sure way to destruction and that she must become a doctor go to your room and study your homework.
Good Lily lied like a mythomaniac.
Bad Lily really wanted to tell the truth. Really.
“Sometimes, when a person has suffered extreme physical or psychological trauma, they will assume the fetal position or a similar position in which the back is curved forward, the legs are brought up as tightly against the abdomen as possible, the head is bowed as close to the abdomen as possible, and the arms are wrapped around the head to prevent further trauma. This position provides better protection to the brain and vital organs than simply lying spread out on the ground, so it is obvious as to why it is an instinctual reaction to extreme stress or trauma when the brain is no longer able to cope with the surrounding environment, and in essence "shuts down" temporarily. Fetal position has been observed in drug addicts, who enter the position when experiencing withdrawal. It has also been found that people who sleep in the fetal position consistently tend to have a shy and sensitive personality. Some people assume this position when sleeping, especially when the body becomes cold.”
Good Lily told herself that nothing ever happened. She liked to take the past and kick in the dust. She liked to burn it like a catalyst when she did chemistry. She liked to drown it in the water that pooled in the sink when she washed her face after too much smiling.
Bad Lily shuddered when she looked at boys and felt her heart freeze when she heard sounds. She kept her mouth shut but if people only looked at her eyes they would have seen them melt with her fear and sorrow. Bad Lily kept too many secrets.
Good Lily had a good boyfriend that she avoided only because of school. She was a very good student.
Bad Lily was used by him. Usedbeatenhurtrapedinsultedbeatednusedraped. She kept his secret. Or was it hers?
Good Lily liked being bad.
Bad Lily was sick of pretending.
Good Lily smirked at Bad Lily and called her pathetic and loser. She gave Bad Lily a rope and knife and said ‘haha, loser, choose.’
Bad Lily cried red and wanted to talk.
Good Lily laughed louder and said suicide was pathetic but suicide notes were even more pathetic.
Bad Lily tied the rope round her neck.
Good Lily laughed louder and took a drag of pot.
Bad Lily tightened the noose.
Good Lily leaned against the door and watched.
Bad Lily swallowed hard and felt the chair under her bare feet.
Good Lily was afraid.
Bad Lily was sweating.
Good Lily whispered ‘wait.’
Bad Lily bit her lip and kicked the chair. Hard.
Little Amy woke up and started to cry.
Lily was that girl no one ever suspected.
Lily’s nickname was “what went wrong?” Lily’s middle name was “how could she do this to her parents? and that poor little sister… oh my, what a shame” Lily’s name apart from Lily was “maybe we missed something.”
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